Feelings Never really Mattered Anyway.......right??

Ok I have been thinking lately, how am I able to do a lot of the things that I do. I mean I work daily, havn't had a day off in since new years, or at least it seems that way. I went to school for like 6 hours a day after working 6 hours and still managed to eat, sleep and take a relaxed attitude to work with me. I'm saying no stress at all, I have fun with my students and still manage to take my other boyz to workout on sundays. I was sitting back, sunday afternoon, eating grilled salmon (OFF THE HOOK might I add) thinking... How do I do it. Then it came to me, like a cold breeze on a hot day...dam I disregard my feelings. I started looking back to when I was younger... The first thing that comes to mind was when my brother used to beat the hell out of me in basketball when I was like 5. He was 8, and we used to play to 100 by 1's. I was remembering the years he would be torching me....like 85 to 12 and I would quit (yea he beat up on me like that till i was like 13 or 14). I'd be so pissed, I would just have to get away from everything. I could remember the days when I just wanted to walk away and never touch a basketball again, but something in me (I have no idea where it came from) wouldn't allow that to happen. I mean he killed me in every fashion of the word for well over 6 years and I kept coming back. I was thinking, dam I remember that feeling of never touching a basketball again, but after about 30 minutes or so, that feeling got put on the back burner and I was right back out there getting scorched on the court again.
I guess that feeling didnt matter to me, because I knew that I could beat him or he would get tired of beating on me and quit himself. Either way, he knew that I was going to find a way to win. I mean, he wasn't just a normal kid playing basketball, he was one of the best in the city at age 13... I always knew that if i could stay within like 50 points of him, I could give anybody else in the city a dam good game. This brings me to the issue that started me on this path to the blog. I saw the bigger picture, from the days of me feeling like never playing basketball again, there was a bigger picture and my feelings at the moment were bullshit. In order to be the best you have to beat the best, challenge the best all day everyday until you beat the best. Now that drive to be the best, we'll save that for another blog, but having the ability to say, "My feelings now mean nothing, because there is something bigger and these feelings are trying to stop me from getting there." Man thats pretty deep. I was thinking that at age 5...
Then i started thinking about other times when I told myself that my feelings were bullshit. All the days when I would work out to get better at basketball. I can remember running bleachers at UCLA for hours, feeling like I couldn't lift my legs or breathe or even see. But I still told myself...those are just bullshit feelings, throw 'em out theres a bigger picture. I can remember shooting jumpshots by the thousand, so much that my shoulders would burn and my thighs wouldn't allow me to get off the floor, but those feelings were bullshit. Because when i got on the court I knew I could go harder and further than anybody out there. I can remember staying up all night to type a paper and making sure that everything was perfect, while my friends were telling me, lets go out and have some fun. I wanted to go but, my feelings were bullshit.
I can remember tellin my parents that I wasn't going to walk at my graduation because it means nothing to me. My view is...I'm supposed to graduate, what idiot goes to school everyday, does the school work and doesn't graduate. I dont need people to tell me HEY GOOD JOB DEL, YOU DID AN EXCELLENT JOB...F that..lol...so when I told my Dad that, he said,"Dam, but what about your cousins, your mom, grandmother, aunts, hell the kids you teach. Dont you think it would matter to them?" And that never crossed my mind. I was thinking, like I said earlier, hell its supposed to be done, what idiot can't. Yet millions of people havn't and millions of people won't. Now comes the big picture, Its inspiring to see someone who is tangible to you do something that millions of people havn't done. So when looking at the situation from that perspective, my feelings are bullshit because there is a bigger picture that I am facing. My actions on a day like that can start the ball rolling on another person's life, completely unintended and unknown to me, and all I have to do is walk across a stage and give a fake smile. Dam, after that I came to an understanding, I guess you can say I matured. My immediate feelings are bullshit; some people say that I don't express my feelings openly, and thats the reason. Because they are minuscule to the situation at hand and they are immediately dismissed. Dam the big picture, I guess they were right and I took it to heart when they said...."If you want something in life, its not gonna happen without a little sacrifice." And I CHOSE to sacrifice my feelings...but they never really mattered anyway.....right??

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

I know it's a little early but, I haven't blogged for about a week and I think it needs to be stated. Lately I have been busy dealing with school winding down and working everyday. Even though it seems like I have a million and one things going on in my life, I still have my mom to thank for a lot of what she did while I was growing up. Not to bump pops out of the way, because he was there and he is gonna have his day. But mom gave me a certain edge that I don't think I would have gotten if it was solely up to my pops. I mean when I think back to all of the tough times I had throughout my life, from having to get up at 5 in the morning to catch the bus 3 hours to school, to being a small time celebrity in a city and not having anyone who I felt really knew me enough to talk to. Two completely opposite ends of a spectrum, yet mom's spectrum seemed to always engulf mine. There was never a moment that I could go through that she did not have a similar experience and information to share with me on how I should handle it. I feel blessed to have her stubbornness instilled in me as well as her inner sense of F the world, I'm doing this on my own (LOL). I mean looking back on my time away from the house, ever since i was 17 and being in San Diego, it seemed like she had some sort of innate sense of when to call me. I mean, weeks could go by, and on the one day things seemed too much for me to handle my phone would ring and it would be that angelic voice asking me how things were going. Hell, you know me, I had to say everything is good, even though it wasn't simply because I didn't want her to worry. But she knew, crazy, but she always knew. She knew about every girl that I had, about what would eventually lead to the end; and she never sugar coated it, never pulled a punch. It was straight and arrow, not like her sister Aunt Nette, she could never be that straight, but it was still pretty straight. Well this is about my mom, my momma, that old senile lady who (she is probably gonna kill me for say this but...what the hell I love her anyway) lost all of her teeth and still managed to keep her beauty analogous with Aphrodite. I remember the days when she used to beat the hell out of me, the days she used to wake me up in the morning by taking my blankets and pulling them just far enough across my room that I had to get up and get them. And looking back...I wouldn't change a thing, because all of those moments made me into the man that I am today. Thinking back to past when I bought gifts for mothers day, I don't think any of those gifts will ever add up to the feeling that she is going to have this mother's day. I mean I did it for me, but I also did it to represent her and the rest of my family. Im graduating from graduate school, on mothers day, and I know when she sees me walk across that stage she is going to be soo full of happiness and so proud of me, but in the end I did it so that she can see, that reflection of her that is deeply instilled in me.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM.....AND ALL THE MOMS ACROSS THE WORLD
Thank You

How afraid are you, Hell how afraid am I??

I just had a conversation with a co-worker and he was asking me what I was going to do after I graduated. I went on telling him just a few of my options, I don't like to tell people all of what I'm thinking; just always good to keep that dam trump card...u know. Anyway, I told him about an opportunity I had/have to work in Japan or Korea. He seemed to be real excited and happy for me, then he asked, "what would make you not do it?" My first response was/is I gotta make car payments, but then again, I could just pay it off. Then there's the school loans, but I get like a 6month grace period, I think; I gotta check on that. Then he asked me, "is there any fear holding you back?" This, is what got me thinking, you know cats like me, "I aint scarred of a dam thing, Pssht fear, what is that, cant nobody scare me, I seen it all done it all, I aint scarred of a muthaf@#*in thing!!!" (lol). After he left, I kinda patted myself on the back, thinking, yea...Scarred, AINT IN MY VOCABULARY!!!. I'm going and nothing's gonna stop me. Now I'm thinking, fear, what am I afraid of, HMM... a couple of weeks ago, I went to pick up my cousin from the airport and she was going to stay at my A-P-tizzle for the night. So, when we get back to my spot, I open the door, carry her bags in and put them in the corner. When I turned around she was locking all 3 of the locks and putting the chain on the door. This scarred the hell out of me!!! I was thinking, why the hell is she trying to lock me in this house. Then I got this boost of adrenaline and I was ready for anything. No joking, this scarred the hell out of me. I mean when I come home, the doors stay unlocked, the windows are open and I'm comfortable. To change that, obviously, would make me uncomfortably. But, after talking to my coworker and getting a reality check on what I really fear, I came to the conclusion that I really fear being "boxed in" so to speak. I know I am claustrophobic, and I hate the feeling of being trapped, but I wouldn't consider that a fear, its more like the things that make me uncomfortable, you know, like when you are in a large crowd of people and that same person keeps bumping you. Uncomfortable bordering irritating. I look at my mom, she is probably one of the strongest people I have ever come into contact with, but she seems to be so afraid of everything. Like a couple of years ago I was given a free vacation to Hawaii, I was thinking dam pretty coo. So, it was about the time of my parent's anniversary and I thought it would be cool to give it to them. I mean they raised me and my brothers (did a pretty good job, i think) and they deserve some kind of vacation. When I told my pops about it, he was coo, he was like thanks and all that mushy stuff. Then came my mom, her first words were, "I'M NOT GETTIN ON NO DAM AIRPLANE!!!" I kinda laughed, thinking, hell you cant drive, and a boat trip isn't an option. I asked, WHY....and I bulls@*t you not...she said "I SAW TWO PLANES CRASH INTO BUILDINGS, I'M NOT GETTING ON ANY DAM PLANE!!" I'm like dam, yea that was a tragedy, but how often do planes go flying into buildings, and you are going to be over water. Thats what I don't get, whats there to fear, if something is going to happen there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. I mean honestly, if we were in a restaurant and the kitchen exploded there would be little we could do to stop it from happening, we would get burned pretty badly but hopefully not die. I have told a couple of people this and the feel me, but, where on this planet, in this life is anyone safe from death. Nowhere, so why live your life in fear of what may happen as opposed to making things happen. People are always afraid of what might happen or what can happen. Looking at my life and all that I have seen, when things happen there is very little we can do to stop it, like the exploding kitchen. Now I'm not 2pac, I'm not walking around saying KILL ME, naahhh thats not me at all, but my perspective is, I'm gonna live my life according to my rules, and if I get clipped off along the way, then so be it. Hopefully I would have left y'all with enough memories and experiences to let me live on forever, if not then, hell I guess my time wasn't well spent (lol). For real tho, you live your life afraid of what other people may do because of what you hear on the news and what not, you lose out on every experience that you could have had with the other 3 or 4 billion caring and loving people on this planet. To me that is a total loss, to be afraid limits the capability of yourself. Think about all of the people throughout history who DID things, Martin Luther King, W.E.B. Dubois, Malcom X (little), hell even Barak Obamma, the emperor Constantine, the explorers and navigators of the 15th century. They did what they did because they had a no fear attitude, picture if MLK was afraid; picture if Obamma was afraid, Marcus Garvey, where would we be, not as a race, I'm talking as a species. Man we gotta learn to step up and push that fear out of us....hmm operating without fear....isnt that what freedom truly is?...just a thought.....