Selfish As*hole!!!!

Dam I never really realized how selfish I really am...It took something soo tragic as this, and now im pissed. From the beginning people called me selfish and its something I denied, but deep inside, yea selfish thats where selfish resides. I was thinking back and remembering the little slick sh*t I used to do, dam now who's the fool. My deepest resent staring in my face, ever present, this aint nothin you can hide from, deny or brush off to the side, which is what I do more often than not, brush off that is. Yea it sounds like im just rambling on and on, but theres substance to what im saying. So here it goes, Selfish As*hole.

A couple of days ago, a real close friend had his life come to an end. Now first off I was sad, then i got mad, sick, then a chuckle after i began to reminisce. Next came the thoughts, wish I had been able to talk to him, chill wit him, congratulate him on his marriage, 2 kids, college graduation; ok i did manage to squeeze that in...thinking dam we ran out of time. Here comes the problem, I had all these feelings inside, I did manage to resolve 'em. Then came the sad talk, as*hole walkin his punk walk. Dam, I would give anything to have him back, to work out, runnin the track, gunnin down the comp in the rec, partyin in the spot dancin back to back. Yea there goes my taste of my as*hole attack. Frontin, like im not selfish...i mean he is in a better place now...and knowing all the stuff we dealt with and the rest of our crew... it was soo bad up there we was walkin through the city yellin "WE ALL WE GOT!!!!" Still sadly, he is in a place where he don't have to worry about that. Now I'm thinkin, dam, I'd give anything to have him here and relive all of that...Selfish....I mean, here I am wishing he was here, but when he was I didnt even lend him an ear. We had our discussions, deep deep discussions, but dam all I can think about is ME and my feelings. F my twin, F the LAC, F his family, F everybody execpt my selfish as*. WoW and I actually considered myself a friend. I mean im down to ride til the end and all my peoples know that, but hell I couldnt just step around myself for a second, but then again...selfish as*holes dont do that.

I been thinkin about all the stuff we did, how this great kid....pardon me MAN...effected my life....Dude was the realist, a devout Christian...soo deep in his conviction...I actually sat down to listen...and while he was readin....had me believin....like WOW...Now he took the time to spread his love and knowledge to someone he felt could use it, and this selfish as*hole turn around and feels like this...Man im messed up...real messed up...I was up in portland for a lil while, and all i did was talk to him on the phone for like 20 minutes. In retrospect, my selfish as* would have and probably should have given my nigg 20 hours...hell 20 years. Dude was more than worth it, but then again, I'm selfish so to end the conversation I said, "YEA, WE ABOUT TO HEAD OUT...I'LL HOLLA AT U LATER" As*hole...Now he gone...and I cant tell him how great he truly was...back to the As*hole...He told me things about myself, things I didn't see, he told me, one of the team captains, that I was a true leader and I should use the skills that I have naturally on a larger scale. Something that never crossed my mind until we were sittin in that third floor apartment in Eugene.

Now thinkin about his side of the issue...taking a second to walk around my big as* head and larger than life EGO..my nigg has two kids...lil girls, who I know, with his guidance would change the world completely ages 1 and 2...Who will never truly know how great their pops is, i say is because he isnt gone just yet, after checkin myself and my narcissism, they are going to have to grow up with nothing more than stories and pictures of their pops....Now selfish as*hole never thought of this until today...how foul is that...but hey thats me, hate it or love it...Im just shocked I never realized it...Dam how foul am I, to look to the sky, appologize and feel sad that I never said good bye...When he was there all along...I did get to hear his elation about his lil girls, which was a blessing in itself. But now without him...where are their lives headed....Maybe thats what I should have been thinkin about instead of being a selfish As*hole.

It took a while that day to realize he is in a better place.
But my selfish ass still wants him here...so i can shoot him a random text message a couple of times a year...something like that....Life is tough being this dam selfish..

UPDATE: this is what i was thinking the day i got the message that my dogg passed. I managed to put all of what I thinking, being real emotional at that time, into one focused thought...This was very therapeutic for me to let this information out..but I understand my emotions and am in full control...most of the stuff i write is emotionally charged soo the feelings come and go...like i said this was what i was feeling the day i found out...soo im better now...and if u were concerned....thanks

Dam.....DECISIONS.....do mine really effect yall???

Ok im back.. its been a lil while since I wrote on this thing, not because I havn’t had anything to put down, but because I havn’t really been able to sit and focus one consistent thought and write about it. But in the past month or so, I have experienced things that have changed my life and it couldn’t have been better if I had written it myself.

Most of you know I went to Korea and stayed there for a lil while, lovin it to death, but people there were askin me if I wanted to stay there longer. After serious contemplation I declined, mainly for two reasons which I might get into later...naaahh probably not. Anyway, the thought of me being gone from everybody I know and love crossed my mind. I talked to two people who I consider dear friends and they told me that it would really bother them, and I still dont understand why, but I appreciate their feelings towards me. When I was in school, I took a personality test and the results came back that I am a person who makes decisions internally and rarely considers others opinions. Naturally if u kno me, i had to say, THATS CIRCUMSTANTIAL because everything is. But when I was out there, I really came close to making a decision for my life without thinking twice about anybody else. I guess that train of thought comes from my belief that my decisions dont have an effect on anyone else’s life. I mean, i try to be a good friend; great friend to all of my disciples..lol...but to me if i was gone, I think that people would go about their lives without a second thought of me, which is probably the way I would want them to be. Ok maybe not...but I refuse to believe that I have made THAT much of an impact in my friend’s lives. Like I said, I know they love me and all and I do appreciate the sentiment but I dont think that if i were to up and disappear for like a couple of years people would really be missing me.

I kno i go out and drink, laugh, talk S@#!, and occasionally crack a joke or two with people but my thinking is, they would have the same exact time if i werent there. It wouldn’t change where they go, it wouldnt change what they did, it wouldn’t even change the topic of discussions. Hence the reason why I dont understand why the two people I talked to would be soo upset about me leaving/dissappearing. I look at the past year, I completely cut out my social life because I had a goal to finish school in a year. At first people we callin me tryin to get me to come out and do things, but after a while my phone stopped ringing, my messages on myspace dwindled down to 0..lol...and all that. People were still havin fun, they were still goin out drinkin, partying and all that even though I wasn’t present.

Now, with all that in mind and view on people, i began thinkin ok maybe its the fact that I wont be soo easily accessible. Like when i was detached from reality this past year, people knew they could always get in touch with me, but if i were to leave, like to another country then there would be someting there that would make it more difficult to access me. So, if thats the case, that is some selfish bullshit; but like i said...i appreciate the love.

I mean when I make decisions, like to travel the world or to get a job in another state, I do that based on MY need. Lookin at life through my eyes, I see a person who can do anything in the world. So why not do it. Everything I have ever said that I was going to do, was done. So from my perspective why not do it. I make moves with no hesitation and without any second thoughts. That is what allows me to attack everything with the energy I have, 100% nothing holding me back. And when u do things 100% you cant loose, there is no wrong move. Hell if it doesnt work, its back to the drawing board, but this time with more knowledge. When i was in high school, I remember one of my coaches tellin me....”If you have any regrets...that means you havnt lived your life the way u wanted to.” That kind of stuff sticks with me, well it stuck...lol...but that is how I feel now. I mean I have the ability and the means to do things I never would have dreamed when I was a kid. So why not, I never would have thought about going to Micronesia....hell I didn’t even know that was an actual country...I thought it was some stuff that Ben Stiller made up in one of his movies. But now, hell im on my way there.

I told my pops, when he was talkin me out of gettin a motorcycle, man I have only heard of one person in the history of the world, to die and come back. I’M NOT THAT MAN, so when its time for me to go, i dont want be laying and thinking...dam i wish i had done this or wish I had done that. I always envisioned refelcting on the marvels and wonders of this life. Because when you are done...its a wrap...there’s no next season....no next game....no next week....just DONE. But I made my decision to come back and re-up so i can be out again, I mean it is nice to be loved and it is wonderful for people to want me around. But dam...I refuse that anybody’s world would stop spinning if i were not around....and if the day comes when none of you get to see me again...just remember I can still be here if people dont let their memories fade away. Its like when some people say life is short...I heard somewhere...its not if you measurea life by what we do and fun we have...and IM HAVIN FUN....

I'm Glad I do what I do....because life could be worse

Yesterday I was talkin to my lil brother about jobs and stuff. He was saying how cool it would have been had I played in the NBA, but I was thinkin, Hell nawww....It's soo much cooler that im a teacher because the kids I teach know who I am. I was tellin him life would suck if i was an athlete because everybody would expect me to be what they see on TV, as opposed to being who I really am. I went on to explain, life would be horrible to be an actor, because when people see you they don't want to talk to you, they want to talk to one of the characters that they saw on the screen. I mean if i were to meet Will Smith, I would talk to him like he was Will on fresh prince or the dude in I Robot..one of my favorite movies...even though that shit happened like 3 or 4 years ago, thats the image i have of him in my head...Livin like that has to be F-ing horrible. People approaching you asking about some shit a fictional character did. That has to be the worst feeling in the world, knowing that everybody recognizes, but nobody wants to know you...just the characters you act out. I kno im not the only person in the world who looks at celebrities like that...let me kno what yall think...but to me F that....gimmie reality everyday, my students tell me when they are pissed at me and I let them kno when they are gettin me pissed...now thats reality

My Moment of Truth??!!!???!!??

Ok, my whole life I always believed that there was gonna be a defining moment that would determine who i would be as a man. With that in mind I have always looked at everything as a learning experience that would prepare me for that moment. The way i have always seen it, that moment would come and everything after that would be done in a different light, i mean everything completely different. So now comes my test to get my degree, I been studying like crazy, like never before, i mean hours and hours for consecutive days. I never thought I had it in me. But, I psyched myself up to think/believe that this test was my moment of truth. I write myself notes that say, "if u Fail....death follows."
Yea sounds kinda crazy...but i'm taking this thing real seriously, and the closer i get to the test date, the more i realize that this may not be the moment of truth that i have been preparing my whole life for. The way saw it, my future wouldnt be seen until that moment happened, but i have soo much stuff going on leading up to and trailing far after the day of this test. So it got me thinking, am i taking this too seriously, a couple of people have told me that...i didnt listen of course. But I look at what im doing, I teach everyday, I read the books for my practicum and counsel people for practice, i'm preparing to go to Korea, i'm setting up this other trip in april, im thinkin about going to USC to get my doctorate...just to name a few. The problem is that my vision of my moment of truth is a situation that has no vision of life past that moment because the future depends on what i do in that situation...and i can see soo far after this moment, that it cant be the one that defines my truth. So now, i mean like just in the past 2 days, the thoughts of, "this is just another bump in the road that im gonna roll over and keep pressing on to my next desire" are becoming stronger and stronger. Not to say that i'm gonna crack and have some sort of meltdown..because thats not an option, but im thinking dam..am i making a bigger deal about this test than i really need to. I mean I look back on the days when i used to play basketball (i refer to those days because they set the stage for my work ethic) I can remember working my ass off in the summers to get ready for the next season. Although it never crossed my mind that the opening game of a season would ever be a moment of truth, it was still something I would work and prepare for and see as something big. So, now im kinda looking at this test as not a moment of truth but more like the first game of the season after i worked my ass off all summer. I mean its big... and something I should take seriously but, it wont define me as a human being.....will it???...ehh who knows....I kno what i have to do...just like i did when i stepped on the court....WIN!!!!! and then tomorrow will come and all of the things that i have planned for my future will be here before i know it....well.... the lights are dimming.....the crowd is getting loud....and they are calling the names....dam here comes mine.......hope u cheer..because all of u will get a show......ill write again...but i gotta handle this first.....

Feelings Never really Mattered Anyway.......right??

Ok I have been thinking lately, how am I able to do a lot of the things that I do. I mean I work daily, havn't had a day off in since new years, or at least it seems that way. I went to school for like 6 hours a day after working 6 hours and still managed to eat, sleep and take a relaxed attitude to work with me. I'm saying no stress at all, I have fun with my students and still manage to take my other boyz to workout on sundays. I was sitting back, sunday afternoon, eating grilled salmon (OFF THE HOOK might I add) thinking... How do I do it. Then it came to me, like a cold breeze on a hot day...dam I disregard my feelings. I started looking back to when I was younger... The first thing that comes to mind was when my brother used to beat the hell out of me in basketball when I was like 5. He was 8, and we used to play to 100 by 1's. I was remembering the years he would be torching me....like 85 to 12 and I would quit (yea he beat up on me like that till i was like 13 or 14). I'd be so pissed, I would just have to get away from everything. I could remember the days when I just wanted to walk away and never touch a basketball again, but something in me (I have no idea where it came from) wouldn't allow that to happen. I mean he killed me in every fashion of the word for well over 6 years and I kept coming back. I was thinking, dam I remember that feeling of never touching a basketball again, but after about 30 minutes or so, that feeling got put on the back burner and I was right back out there getting scorched on the court again.
I guess that feeling didnt matter to me, because I knew that I could beat him or he would get tired of beating on me and quit himself. Either way, he knew that I was going to find a way to win. I mean, he wasn't just a normal kid playing basketball, he was one of the best in the city at age 13... I always knew that if i could stay within like 50 points of him, I could give anybody else in the city a dam good game. This brings me to the issue that started me on this path to the blog. I saw the bigger picture, from the days of me feeling like never playing basketball again, there was a bigger picture and my feelings at the moment were bullshit. In order to be the best you have to beat the best, challenge the best all day everyday until you beat the best. Now that drive to be the best, we'll save that for another blog, but having the ability to say, "My feelings now mean nothing, because there is something bigger and these feelings are trying to stop me from getting there." Man thats pretty deep. I was thinking that at age 5...
Then i started thinking about other times when I told myself that my feelings were bullshit. All the days when I would work out to get better at basketball. I can remember running bleachers at UCLA for hours, feeling like I couldn't lift my legs or breathe or even see. But I still told myself...those are just bullshit feelings, throw 'em out theres a bigger picture. I can remember shooting jumpshots by the thousand, so much that my shoulders would burn and my thighs wouldn't allow me to get off the floor, but those feelings were bullshit. Because when i got on the court I knew I could go harder and further than anybody out there. I can remember staying up all night to type a paper and making sure that everything was perfect, while my friends were telling me, lets go out and have some fun. I wanted to go but, my feelings were bullshit.
I can remember tellin my parents that I wasn't going to walk at my graduation because it means nothing to me. My view is...I'm supposed to graduate, what idiot goes to school everyday, does the school work and doesn't graduate. I dont need people to tell me HEY GOOD JOB DEL, YOU DID AN EXCELLENT JOB...F that..lol...so when I told my Dad that, he said,"Dam, but what about your cousins, your mom, grandmother, aunts, hell the kids you teach. Dont you think it would matter to them?" And that never crossed my mind. I was thinking, like I said earlier, hell its supposed to be done, what idiot can't. Yet millions of people havn't and millions of people won't. Now comes the big picture, Its inspiring to see someone who is tangible to you do something that millions of people havn't done. So when looking at the situation from that perspective, my feelings are bullshit because there is a bigger picture that I am facing. My actions on a day like that can start the ball rolling on another person's life, completely unintended and unknown to me, and all I have to do is walk across a stage and give a fake smile. Dam, after that I came to an understanding, I guess you can say I matured. My immediate feelings are bullshit; some people say that I don't express my feelings openly, and thats the reason. Because they are minuscule to the situation at hand and they are immediately dismissed. Dam the big picture, I guess they were right and I took it to heart when they said...."If you want something in life, its not gonna happen without a little sacrifice." And I CHOSE to sacrifice my feelings...but they never really mattered anyway.....right??

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

I know it's a little early but, I haven't blogged for about a week and I think it needs to be stated. Lately I have been busy dealing with school winding down and working everyday. Even though it seems like I have a million and one things going on in my life, I still have my mom to thank for a lot of what she did while I was growing up. Not to bump pops out of the way, because he was there and he is gonna have his day. But mom gave me a certain edge that I don't think I would have gotten if it was solely up to my pops. I mean when I think back to all of the tough times I had throughout my life, from having to get up at 5 in the morning to catch the bus 3 hours to school, to being a small time celebrity in a city and not having anyone who I felt really knew me enough to talk to. Two completely opposite ends of a spectrum, yet mom's spectrum seemed to always engulf mine. There was never a moment that I could go through that she did not have a similar experience and information to share with me on how I should handle it. I feel blessed to have her stubbornness instilled in me as well as her inner sense of F the world, I'm doing this on my own (LOL). I mean looking back on my time away from the house, ever since i was 17 and being in San Diego, it seemed like she had some sort of innate sense of when to call me. I mean, weeks could go by, and on the one day things seemed too much for me to handle my phone would ring and it would be that angelic voice asking me how things were going. Hell, you know me, I had to say everything is good, even though it wasn't simply because I didn't want her to worry. But she knew, crazy, but she always knew. She knew about every girl that I had, about what would eventually lead to the end; and she never sugar coated it, never pulled a punch. It was straight and arrow, not like her sister Aunt Nette, she could never be that straight, but it was still pretty straight. Well this is about my mom, my momma, that old senile lady who (she is probably gonna kill me for say this but...what the hell I love her anyway) lost all of her teeth and still managed to keep her beauty analogous with Aphrodite. I remember the days when she used to beat the hell out of me, the days she used to wake me up in the morning by taking my blankets and pulling them just far enough across my room that I had to get up and get them. And looking back...I wouldn't change a thing, because all of those moments made me into the man that I am today. Thinking back to past when I bought gifts for mothers day, I don't think any of those gifts will ever add up to the feeling that she is going to have this mother's day. I mean I did it for me, but I also did it to represent her and the rest of my family. Im graduating from graduate school, on mothers day, and I know when she sees me walk across that stage she is going to be soo full of happiness and so proud of me, but in the end I did it so that she can see, that reflection of her that is deeply instilled in me.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM.....AND ALL THE MOMS ACROSS THE WORLD
Thank You

How afraid are you, Hell how afraid am I??

I just had a conversation with a co-worker and he was asking me what I was going to do after I graduated. I went on telling him just a few of my options, I don't like to tell people all of what I'm thinking; just always good to keep that dam trump card...u know. Anyway, I told him about an opportunity I had/have to work in Japan or Korea. He seemed to be real excited and happy for me, then he asked, "what would make you not do it?" My first response was/is I gotta make car payments, but then again, I could just pay it off. Then there's the school loans, but I get like a 6month grace period, I think; I gotta check on that. Then he asked me, "is there any fear holding you back?" This, is what got me thinking, you know cats like me, "I aint scarred of a dam thing, Pssht fear, what is that, cant nobody scare me, I seen it all done it all, I aint scarred of a muthaf@#*in thing!!!" (lol). After he left, I kinda patted myself on the back, thinking, yea...Scarred, AINT IN MY VOCABULARY!!!. I'm going and nothing's gonna stop me. Now I'm thinking, fear, what am I afraid of, HMM... a couple of weeks ago, I went to pick up my cousin from the airport and she was going to stay at my A-P-tizzle for the night. So, when we get back to my spot, I open the door, carry her bags in and put them in the corner. When I turned around she was locking all 3 of the locks and putting the chain on the door. This scarred the hell out of me!!! I was thinking, why the hell is she trying to lock me in this house. Then I got this boost of adrenaline and I was ready for anything. No joking, this scarred the hell out of me. I mean when I come home, the doors stay unlocked, the windows are open and I'm comfortable. To change that, obviously, would make me uncomfortably. But, after talking to my coworker and getting a reality check on what I really fear, I came to the conclusion that I really fear being "boxed in" so to speak. I know I am claustrophobic, and I hate the feeling of being trapped, but I wouldn't consider that a fear, its more like the things that make me uncomfortable, you know, like when you are in a large crowd of people and that same person keeps bumping you. Uncomfortable bordering irritating. I look at my mom, she is probably one of the strongest people I have ever come into contact with, but she seems to be so afraid of everything. Like a couple of years ago I was given a free vacation to Hawaii, I was thinking dam pretty coo. So, it was about the time of my parent's anniversary and I thought it would be cool to give it to them. I mean they raised me and my brothers (did a pretty good job, i think) and they deserve some kind of vacation. When I told my pops about it, he was coo, he was like thanks and all that mushy stuff. Then came my mom, her first words were, "I'M NOT GETTIN ON NO DAM AIRPLANE!!!" I kinda laughed, thinking, hell you cant drive, and a boat trip isn't an option. I asked, WHY....and I bulls@*t you not...she said "I SAW TWO PLANES CRASH INTO BUILDINGS, I'M NOT GETTING ON ANY DAM PLANE!!" I'm like dam, yea that was a tragedy, but how often do planes go flying into buildings, and you are going to be over water. Thats what I don't get, whats there to fear, if something is going to happen there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. I mean honestly, if we were in a restaurant and the kitchen exploded there would be little we could do to stop it from happening, we would get burned pretty badly but hopefully not die. I have told a couple of people this and the feel me, but, where on this planet, in this life is anyone safe from death. Nowhere, so why live your life in fear of what may happen as opposed to making things happen. People are always afraid of what might happen or what can happen. Looking at my life and all that I have seen, when things happen there is very little we can do to stop it, like the exploding kitchen. Now I'm not 2pac, I'm not walking around saying KILL ME, naahhh thats not me at all, but my perspective is, I'm gonna live my life according to my rules, and if I get clipped off along the way, then so be it. Hopefully I would have left y'all with enough memories and experiences to let me live on forever, if not then, hell I guess my time wasn't well spent (lol). For real tho, you live your life afraid of what other people may do because of what you hear on the news and what not, you lose out on every experience that you could have had with the other 3 or 4 billion caring and loving people on this planet. To me that is a total loss, to be afraid limits the capability of yourself. Think about all of the people throughout history who DID things, Martin Luther King, W.E.B. Dubois, Malcom X (little), hell even Barak Obamma, the emperor Constantine, the explorers and navigators of the 15th century. They did what they did because they had a no fear attitude, picture if MLK was afraid; picture if Obamma was afraid, Marcus Garvey, where would we be, not as a race, I'm talking as a species. Man we gotta learn to step up and push that fear out of us....hmm operating without fear....isnt that what freedom truly is?...just a thought.....

Sometimes Its Like....I Love me More?

I was thinkin about this statement this morning while I was driving to work. Dam, should I not love myself enough to pursue my dreams, to fulfill my desires, go places and see things that I always wanted to see? And if I put my dreams to the side, does that mean that I don't love myself? Kinda crazy, all through my life, I have been focused on my goals. I wanted to play basketball, although I lost dam near every girl I ever had because of my focus, I don't regret it one second. Hell lookin back, I had fun. Not fun like a water balloon fight on a summer day (yea those were fun too) but I mean fun like, I did everything there was to do. I scored, I played, I was on TV, I experienced fame on a small level and it was fun. Looking at all of the people who were lost along the path, I wouldn't give up one inkling of that experience for anyone of them. Dam, I love me more. I look at what I do now, I'm a teacher at a middle school. Its the most fun at work I have ever had. I mean, I feel fulfilled, I walk on campus and its like, LOVE, I'm talkin about that pure gourmet Sh*t (lol). I mean, I have been doing this for the past 3 years, and I devote myself, everyday, to making those kids better, which makes me better. Not just the ones in my classes but all of them, I try my hardest to show them their potential, that nobody out there is better than them, other people may have more but they are human just like you are. I love the kids, I like what I do, I love standing and talkin to each one about the things i went through, I like how I walk through school and the kids know i show love and they got love for me. But, dam, here comes the quake, in a couple of weeks its time to graduate. Not them, they do it too, but this time its me. I graduate, I move on, and where I'm going who knows if there's any coming back, or should I say going back. Its funny because every couple of days, I get a knock on my classroom door and its always some funny looking deformed kid (lol) standing there saying, "What Up Mr. G?" I usually have to look twice, because the time between 8th and 9th grade the kids grow and change a whole lot. The first time this happened i was like dam, the kids actually came back, but its not like they came back just to say hi, most of them asked me questions and wanted guidance, kinda like..."what do i do next?" Dam thats love, you got these kids who people say aren't ever going to be anything, now they are in school, ready to learn and wanting to learn more. I mean they know I got love for them, they know I'm there when they need an ear to listen. But then, now I gotta go, Dam, I love me more. I have been thinking lately about it, should I just stay and be what I have been. I mean they come back to the school, we created a fraternity type thing, they feel welcomed, or maybe its just my perception of the whole thing...O well, life is about changes and moving on....but my dilemma is...Is loving me more, wrong? and how much should I love me?...Kinda deep, I'd like to hear what u guys have to say about it

Why o why did i need cappucccino??

This thought came up when i was sitting in class waiting for it to start. The question came from a song by MC LYTE (one of the greatest female rappers ever) called cappuccino, in the song, she has a desire to go get a drink of cappuccino from a cafe and the cafe ends up getting robbed and she gets shot and dies...Its pretty deep because when i say it, its more like dam why did i have to do this, what made me take this course of action which leads to a long chain of events that ultimately changes my life. Like what makes want to goto the store at that time during the day, in my everyday life very few things happen to the extent of the song, but in retrospect, things happen on the daily and they do have an effect on my life, some are subtle, while others are huge. The subtle ones do things like make me more motivated to do better in my life, while others allow me to appreciate my position. Then you have the huge interactions, the ones that leave an impression with you, leave you with things that you think about for days and days until you finally come up with a resolution, but that resolution is never set with you (im sure somebody knows what i mean) Those are the ones that i love, because i love to think...when i dont have things to think about, my days are pretty boring, because i spend my time trying to find things to think about which are usually not as deep as things that force me to start thinking...ill write again..stay tuned..ill eventually come up with something that you will like to hear

How many of yall have done this???

yea yea i know it may seem like i am a jerk or what not, but i did this just this evening and i couldn't stop laughing. Ok, here's the scene, I was leaving class, kinda rushing to my car to get home and watch the ending of the Suns/Spurs game. I walked kinda fast to get to the elevator, as i was walking, I knew that there were some people walking a lil bit behind me. I got on the elevator, it was open ready for me, and when i turned around, i saw the 3 young ladies walking towards the elevator. Soo, instead of me being a gentleman and holding the elevator for them, I pushed the hell out of the P2 button and the elevator door shut closed. I was thinking, dam I am insane, because it was so funny to me. I was really in a hurry and i know that is no excuse, but hey its been done to me on several consecutive occasions. It was something different for me though, something I did to spice up my normal, bland, uneventful days. I'm always a nice guy, i am constantly considerate to people and i very rarely feel anything for doing it, because i feel that im supposed to. In closing.....
this is just something that i did today that made me laugh...I'll write again maybe later tonight...