Selfish As*hole!!!!

Dam I never really realized how selfish I really am...It took something soo tragic as this, and now im pissed. From the beginning people called me selfish and its something I denied, but deep inside, yea selfish thats where selfish resides. I was thinking back and remembering the little slick sh*t I used to do, dam now who's the fool. My deepest resent staring in my face, ever present, this aint nothin you can hide from, deny or brush off to the side, which is what I do more often than not, brush off that is. Yea it sounds like im just rambling on and on, but theres substance to what im saying. So here it goes, Selfish As*hole.

A couple of days ago, a real close friend had his life come to an end. Now first off I was sad, then i got mad, sick, then a chuckle after i began to reminisce. Next came the thoughts, wish I had been able to talk to him, chill wit him, congratulate him on his marriage, 2 kids, college graduation; ok i did manage to squeeze that in...thinking dam we ran out of time. Here comes the problem, I had all these feelings inside, I did manage to resolve 'em. Then came the sad talk, as*hole walkin his punk walk. Dam, I would give anything to have him back, to work out, runnin the track, gunnin down the comp in the rec, partyin in the spot dancin back to back. Yea there goes my taste of my as*hole attack. Frontin, like im not selfish...i mean he is in a better place now...and knowing all the stuff we dealt with and the rest of our crew... it was soo bad up there we was walkin through the city yellin "WE ALL WE GOT!!!!" Still sadly, he is in a place where he don't have to worry about that. Now I'm thinkin, dam, I'd give anything to have him here and relive all of that...Selfish....I mean, here I am wishing he was here, but when he was I didnt even lend him an ear. We had our discussions, deep deep discussions, but dam all I can think about is ME and my feelings. F my twin, F the LAC, F his family, F everybody execpt my selfish as*. WoW and I actually considered myself a friend. I mean im down to ride til the end and all my peoples know that, but hell I couldnt just step around myself for a second, but then again...selfish as*holes dont do that.

I been thinkin about all the stuff we did, how this great kid....pardon me MAN...effected my life....Dude was the realist, a devout Christian...soo deep in his conviction...I actually sat down to listen...and while he was readin....had me believin....like WOW...Now he took the time to spread his love and knowledge to someone he felt could use it, and this selfish as*hole turn around and feels like this...Man im messed up...real messed up...I was up in portland for a lil while, and all i did was talk to him on the phone for like 20 minutes. In retrospect, my selfish as* would have and probably should have given my nigg 20 hours...hell 20 years. Dude was more than worth it, but then again, I'm selfish so to end the conversation I said, "YEA, WE ABOUT TO HEAD OUT...I'LL HOLLA AT U LATER" As*hole...Now he gone...and I cant tell him how great he truly was...back to the As*hole...He told me things about myself, things I didn't see, he told me, one of the team captains, that I was a true leader and I should use the skills that I have naturally on a larger scale. Something that never crossed my mind until we were sittin in that third floor apartment in Eugene.

Now thinkin about his side of the issue...taking a second to walk around my big as* head and larger than life EGO..my nigg has two kids...lil girls, who I know, with his guidance would change the world completely ages 1 and 2...Who will never truly know how great their pops is, i say is because he isnt gone just yet, after checkin myself and my narcissism, they are going to have to grow up with nothing more than stories and pictures of their pops....Now selfish as*hole never thought of this until today...how foul is that...but hey thats me, hate it or love it...Im just shocked I never realized it...Dam how foul am I, to look to the sky, appologize and feel sad that I never said good bye...When he was there all along...I did get to hear his elation about his lil girls, which was a blessing in itself. But now without him...where are their lives headed....Maybe thats what I should have been thinkin about instead of being a selfish As*hole.

It took a while that day to realize he is in a better place.
But my selfish ass still wants him here...so i can shoot him a random text message a couple of times a year...something like that....Life is tough being this dam selfish..

UPDATE: this is what i was thinking the day i got the message that my dogg passed. I managed to put all of what I thinking, being real emotional at that time, into one focused thought...This was very therapeutic for me to let this information out..but I understand my emotions and am in full control...most of the stuff i write is emotionally charged soo the feelings come and go...like i said this was what i was feeling the day i found out...soo im better now...and if u were concerned....thanks